Hierarchical poly practitioners often negotiate strict rules of contact to ensure there are no boundary transgressions — such as loving a secondary partner more than feels acceptable to the primary partner.
Non-hierarchical polyamorists, in contrast, believe in maintaining a number of separate-but-equal relationships, which can manifest as anything from dating a few people at once to living in group marriages (a group of three might be called a "triad", while a group of four is often called a "quad").
She also has other relationships, including a serious boyfriend who lives in the United States, and both her live-in partner and life partner have other relationships as well."Monogamy has never made sense to me, at least as a relationship structure (although I know it works well for other people).
Emotionally, it makes no sense to me to think that my love for one person diminishes my ability to love others.
I spoke to a few different people about their experiences with polyamory and nonmonogamy.
Their stories reflect the wide range of emotions that accompany these complex relationships; no one story is the same. She lives in Toronto with a male partner, whom she has been dating for over five years, and has a woman she considers her life partner, whom she has been close to for approximately three years.
It's just too much damned work and I, for one, would rather spend my time swimming or devoting myself to a great job or starting a family rather than processing and debugging a complex relationship arrangement for the rest of my life.
I came to recognize that for me, poly was a way of dating and boosting my ego, maintaining social connections, and deflecting codependent tendencies in myself."I have yet to see anyone pull it off without major doses of drama and bullshit and ego and pain. Some poly relationships last a while (like my five year one!
And, that shit gets really tiring.""My earliest exposure to poly was gay couples in "open" relationships.
For a long time I tried to be in monogamous relationships, especially after early attempts to negotiate open relationships failed, because they felt like the only option available to me. When I learned that 'poly' was a thing and that I wasn't alone — and didn't have to be some kind of bohemian genius to make things work — it was a tremendous relief."Poly feels like it's really central to who I am, and it's tightly interwoven with other aspects of my identity.
Poly for me is strongly tied to the importance I place on individual autonomy in the context of healthy communities. But, it's also unavoidable."There are a heap of benefits.
I believe my reaction was something along the lines of "Yahtzee! Love does not need to be limited, and it's possible to love more than one person at the same time.
It was never the concept I had issues with, rather it was the often tragic implementation of it.